Sitting here in my room alone and thinking with my thoughts running all over the place it hits me how short life is and how we take it for granted most days. I was at work earlier when CNN decided to alert my phone to tell me about the death of Kristof St John who plays “Neil Winters” on the young and restless. I’m in utter shock only because it hits me that life is so damn short also being that he spoke so openly about his sons suicide in 2014 and spoke on his on issues with mental health causing him to take a break from the show for a while, I’m not exactly sure where his mind set was or even if he had a mental illness either way it eats me up inside to know someone who I’ve been watching since a child is now gone.

Mental illness somehow always gets swept under the rug and always goes un noticed on some people’s parts, all I can think about is how I’ve been lately and how my mental illness has taken control. I don’t even recognize the person I’ve been lately and I hate it to be honest, everyone around me continues to tell me it’s the medicine but wait no maybe it’s me, maybe my anxiety and depression is flaring back up. I’m on edge, I’m angry, I’m sad, and emotional and restless and I can’t remember the last time I actually slept well. My doctor is always telling me the same thing over and over “you can get better, take your medicine every day, I’ll see you in a month” the same old crap don’t get me wrong I’ve grown to like my doctor a lot but at the same time when will this all end for me, when will I be medicine free, when will this stop taking control of me.

I’m tired of wearing a fake smile, I’m tired of pretending to be ok all the time, my boyfriend says “babe, somethings off about you” I know it’s true so I can’t deny it but at the same time what can I do 🤷‍♀️ I’m trying so hard to fight this, I’m trying so hard to understand it all. I need to go back to see my therapist, but hell would she even accept me, in my eyes I can’t be helped and I’m needing some guidance. I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I can see it but haven’t found my way out yet. I won’t give up on myself, I won’t let this take me down. I’m going to find my smile again and I’m going to be that happy girl again.

Please to anyone out there feeling like there’s no way out, get help please and know that you are loved. tel:1-800-273-8255 call this number for help. You are not alone and you are loved, please be safe.